Do you have friends that you see Regularly?

M4 Benelli

6:38p, 5/2/24

The older I get (43) the more time elapses between seeing old friends. It's getting to the point, that the juice isn't even worth the squeeze. Mins compounded over time to stay connected to someone you used to be close to, just to on occasion reconnect irl for a few hours.

Currently feeling a certain way about a cat that I've known well over 25 yrs. Used to be my roommate for 4. Anyhow we were supposed to go to a concert together last week (first time hanging in 8-9 months. Cat completely "forgot" about it and booked a weekend getaway with his wife. Ok thanks breh, this is about the 4-5 flaking since I've known em.

I ended up being pissed and just flipped the concert ticket, as half the reason I even wanted to go is to hang out. It's an excuse to keep the friendship alive. Nevertheless, no "hey man I goofed let me make it up, or yea let's do this yadda " The icing on the cake, same night of the concert he sends a text "I'm sooooo drunkkkk where am I?" Complete lack of self awareness.

I'm not trying to sound like a sissy over this, but the lack of reciprocity in a friendship is disheartening. Makes me want to pull the plug on the whole concept. Thankfully got a ride or die wife, can't say I got one of those in the friends dept.

Discuss, or call me a sissy if you wish.

GarlandAg2012

6:50p, 5/2/24

In reply to M4 Benelli

Maintaining meaningful friendships gets harder as life gets more complicated. I don't blame you for being bummed that he bailed but I don't think giving up on friendships is the answer. The friends I consider my closest, whom I see often and can talk to about everything are people I talk to daily (in a group chat). We're only mid-30s so it could definitely change but we talked daily in college and still do now despite being across the country (and often world) and in different phases of life. These friendships are way more satisfying and important to me than the ones with people I see a couple times a year and just "catch up", then move on and don't see again for a while

Ags4DaWin

6:54p, 5/2/24

This is an issue primarily for men and one of the reasons men struggle with suicide more than women- lack of meaningful friendships as we age out of organized competitive activities that are easy for men to bond over.

Ags4DaWin

6:55p, 5/2/24

This is an issue primarily for men and one of the reasons men struggle with suicide more than women- lack of meaningful friendships as we age out of organized competitive activities that are easy for men to bond over.

Women have easier access to and societally accepted support networks that give them fulfillment and men rarely have these.

M4 Benelli

7:05p, 5/2/24

In reply to GarlandAg2012

GarlandAg2012 said:
Maintaining meaningful friendships gets harder as life gets more complicated. I don't blame you for being bummed that he bailed but I don't think giving up on friendships is the answer. The friends I consider my closest, whom I see often and can talk to about everything are people I talk to daily (in a group chat). We're only mid-30s so it could definitely change but we talked daily in college and still do now despite being across the country (and often world) and in different phases of life. These friendships are way more satisfying and important to me than the ones with people I see a couple times a year and just "catch up", then move on and don't see again for a while

Well you just described the person who let me down. This is a person who I have had steady communication with. But now I'm wondering if it's because I've been propping up the friendship all these years. I'm the one who is far more proactive to get an irl event together, and keep the communication alive.

As an experiment, I haven't texted him individually since this "flaking." In the mutual group chat I'm texting the bare minimum. Don't want a red flag "what is wrong," but definitely want to distance myself. If people dont want to invest, why should I?

TecRecAg

7:15p, 5/2/24

Play golf, meet others that play golf. You'll find that those friends will ditch just about anything to hang out with you.

AgsMyDude

7:17p, 5/2/24

In reply to M4 Benelli

M4 Benelli said:
GarlandAg2012 said:
Maintaining meaningful friendships gets harder as life gets more complicated. I don't blame you for being bummed that he bailed but I don't think giving up on friendships is the answer. The friends I consider my closest, whom I see often and can talk to about everything are people I talk to daily (in a group chat). We're only mid-30s so it could definitely change but we talked daily in college and still do now despite being across the country (and often world) and in different phases of life. These friendships are way more satisfying and important to me than the ones with people I see a couple times a year and just "catch up", then move on and don't see again for a while

Well you just described the person who let me down. This is a person who I have had steady communication with. But now I'm wondering if it's because I've been propping up the friendship all these years. I'm the one who is far more proactive to get an irl event together, and keep the communication alive.

As an experiment, I haven't texted him individually since this "flaking." In the mutual group chat I'm texting the bare minimum. Don't want a red flag "what is wrong," but definitely want to distance myself. If people dont want to invest, why should I?

I have run into this with one of my friendships I was definitely the one putting in all the effort. I started to realize it this past fall and stopped initializing . There's been 3 messages since September with that friend. Known him for 30 years. Sucks.

Ragnar Danneskjoldd

7:42p, 5/2/24

Google hangout. I talk pretty much all day with bros I've known since elementary school.

Beckdiesel03

8:25p, 5/2/24

This is not just a male problem but yes I think it's common. My husband can go shoot the sheet with the neighbors and they'll shoot darts or play other stupid games, but they don't have kids and I normally hold back to hang out with our kids. It's hard to meet up with my oldest closest friends because we are about 4-5 hours apart and we have kids in sports and jobs. I am in constant text contact with my best friend. However there are quite a few people I've given up on as friends that live close by because like you I'm tired of being the one to initiate it all. People suck. I'm jealous of people who can pick up a ton of friends. Then again most people are annoying so there's that.

Apache

8:31p, 5/2/24

My best friends from college (30 years ago) are almost all in other towns with kids in HS and lots of activities. I've never made friends as a working adult that come close to those guys.
Starting jiu jitsu several years ago has helped.

Lex

9:42p, 5/2/24

My best friend and I text, Snapchat, play monopoly go and FaceTime daily. We've been best friends since we were 9. So I don't think at this point we want or feel the need to go a day without each other. We also see each other at least 1/3 weekends.

My next closest we Snapchat daily. I don't necessarily go out of my way regularly to see them. But if it's convenient I will. We make plans(like concerts) and enjoy our time together appreciating that we are adults now and our priorities aren't always each other. These are enjoyable because they are worth the wait. Like going back to your home town and having that thing that is like a memory when you eat it. It's savory and worth the effort. Like going to see Justin Timberlake together at the end of the month, I cannot wait.

While I do have one that's flaky I also know her personal life isn't icing. I don't enjoy not feeling like a priority even when plans were made for them to be cancelled. I try to do things that includes the kids so that she doesn't have to worry about who is going to have hers. I have found being inclusive in that sense has helped us have the ability to see each other more.

I don't know if this is helpful. But I hope you do what's best for you. You are worth more effort. Don't let someone treat you like the brown crayon, you are blue, baby!

histag10

9:45p, 5/2/24

In reply to Beckdiesel03

I feel this in my soul. It's so easy for my husband to just go hang out with the guys (even when they all have kids), but it's pretty impossible for me to just hang out with friends. Very few of my friends still live nearby, and those that do are as bust as I am. It doesn't help that I am severely ADHD, and communication is something I struggle with even when medicated.

EastSideAg2002

10:25p, 5/2/24

Have you tried joining a swingers club?

GarlandAg2012

11:01p, 5/2/24

In reply to M4 Benelli

M4 Benelli said:
GarlandAg2012 said:
Maintaining meaningful friendships gets harder as life gets more complicated. I don't blame you for being bummed that he bailed but I don't think giving up on friendships is the answer. The friends I consider my closest, whom I see often and can talk to about everything are people I talk to daily (in a group chat). We're only mid-30s so it could definitely change but we talked daily in college and still do now despite being across the country (and often world) and in different phases of life. These friendships are way more satisfying and important to me than the ones with people I see a couple times a year and just "catch up", then move on and don't see again for a while

Well you just described the person who let me down. This is a person who I have had steady communication with. But now I'm wondering if it's because I've been propping up the friendship all these years. I'm the one who is far more proactive to get an irl event together, and keep the communication alive.

As an experiment, I haven't texted him individually since this "flaking." In the mutual group chat I'm texting the bare minimum. Don't want a red flag "what is wrong," but definitely want to distance myself. If people dont want to invest, why should I?

Well that's disappointing for sure but there are two main things I have an issue with in your post

1) You're extrapolating out too much. One guy who sucks shouldn't ruin your relationship with the whole group. Why distance yourself from a group based on one bad actor?

2) You might have to make a decision about whether or not it's worth it for you to be in non-reciprocal friendships. I've dealt with this and waffled back and forth on it a lot but I think having to put in more effort and sometimes being disappointed is still worth it with some friends. They are more important to me than I am to them and I'm at peace with that because on balance I still think the friendship is a net "benefit" to my life. Maybe that makes me a beta or something but I don't really care. I'm an extrovert and I care about my friends and I think in the long run I'll be glad I put the effort in. Maybe the math will change once I have less time but I'll deal with that if and when it happens.

I definitely think passive aggressively checking out and waiting to see the groups reaction will not be a satisfying exercise.

aglaohfour

11:12p, 5/2/24

I listened to a podcast recently talking about the crisis of male friendships. I wish I could remember the expert's name, but there are studies about how difficult adult male friendships are to establish and maintain. I see this play out a lot with my male relatives and colleagues and I think it's so sad.

I'm 42 and consider myself incredibly blessed with the close friendships that I have now. I interact socially, in person, with friends at least twice a week. My circle locally consists of 5 moms from my daughter's school who I've known for 5 years, 1 friend who I met through work 15 years ago, and 1 set of 'couple' friends I've known for 8 years. My BFF of 22 years lives across the country. We talk every other day and get together in person usually three times a year.

I suspect one of the reasons it's easier for women to maintain friendships like we do is simply because we're more communicative, so we truly connect with each other as opposed to just 'hanging out'. And it's more socially accepted for us to be emotional and vulnerable. All the people I mentioned above saw me at my absolute lowest during my divorce and they helped me get through it in practical ways and by just being there for me emotionally. At various times, they've had divorces, deaths, problems with kids, and so on, and we all just help each other. I know there are men out there who have those types of relationships with their friends, but it seems like it's a lot more rare.

M4 Benelli

11:27p, 5/2/24

In reply to GarlandAg2012

GarlandAg2012 said:
M4 Benelli said:
GarlandAg2012 said:
Maintaining meaningful friendships gets harder as life gets more complicated. I don't blame you for being bummed that he bailed but I don't think giving up on friendships is the answer. The friends I consider my closest, whom I see often and can talk to about everything are people I talk to daily (in a group chat). We're only mid-30s so it could definitely change but we talked daily in college and still do now despite being across the country (and often world) and in different phases of life. These friendships are way more satisfying and important to me than the ones with people I see a couple times a year and just "catch up", then move on and don't see again for a while

Well you just described the person who let me down. This is a person who I have had steady communication with. But now I'm wondering if it's because I've been propping up the friendship all these years. I'm the one who is far more proactive to get an irl event together, and keep the communication alive.

As an experiment, I haven't texted him individually since this "flaking." In the mutual group chat I'm texting the bare minimum. Don't want a red flag "what is wrong," but definitely want to distance myself. If people dont want to invest, why should I?

Well that's disappointing for sure but there are two main things I have an issue with in your post

1) You're extrapolating out too much. One guy who sucks shouldn't ruin your relationship with the whole group. Why distance yourself from a group based on one bad actor?

2) You might have to make a decision about whether or not it's worth it for you to be in non-reciprocal friendships. I've dealt with this and waffled back and forth on it a lot but I think having to put in more effort and sometimes being disappointed is still worth it with some friends. They are more important to me than I am to them and I'm at peace with that because on balance I still think the friendship is a net "benefit" to my life. Maybe that makes me a beta or something but I don't really care. I'm an extrovert and I care about my friends and I think in the long run I'll be glad I put the effort in. Maybe the math will change once I have less time but I'll deal with that if and when it happens.

I definitely think passive aggressively checking out and waiting to see the groups reaction will not be a satisfying exercise.

The group has pretty much devolved to three people. The other person I continue to talk to on the regular. So there's not much to be lost at this point, as I dont see any of these people on the reg. At this point the only thing that can be lost is texting lol.

Sea Speed

12:52a, 5/3/24

In reply to aglaohfour

Do you recall the name of the podcast? I'd be really interested to listen to it.

aglaohfour

6:52a, 5/3/24

In reply to Sea Speed

It was one of the Thursday expert episodes of armchair expert. I'll have to look back through Spotify to figure out who the guest was, I'll let you know!

File5

8:15a, 5/3/24

This topic is coming up more and more, glad it's being discussed. I have the same experiences with my lifelong friends - i don't have much in common and honestly the juice isn't worth the squeeze usually. You always feel like you're catching up and not talking about substantive things.

Someone needs to start a Tinder for long-term male friendships apparently

*Wrong emoji

maroon barchetta

8:18a, 5/3/24

In reply to M4 Benelli

Ride or die wife should be a given.

It's in the vows.

Leeman

8:19a, 5/3/24

Sissy

Wearer of the Ring

8:20a, 5/3/24

I only have invisible friends.

FJB

wangus12

8:25a, 5/3/24

All the guys in my dorm were all really close and most of them still hang out together. Unfortunately my wife and I live hours away from them so I rarely see them anymore. Have a couple guys that at the very least we will still game regularly to talk to each other. My best friend lives in Brazil and we text most every day but almost never see each other.

Ragnar Danneskjoldd

8:27a, 5/3/24

Im going to thailand with some friends from high school. Well, a high school.

nai06

8:32a, 5/3/24

I have friends I see pretty regularly

-one friend out of state but we have started playing video games online on a regular basis

-wife and I have a super club with 3 other couples. We pick a nice restaurant and go to dinner once a month

-i have two friends that I recently started doing baseball trips with. We want to try and hit up all the MLB parks.

-I have a long running DnD game with about 6 people that meets every two to three weeks

-our best friends are couple that live pretty far away. We go on vacations together, spend holidays together, etc. Long term goal is to retire to Scotland with them. We have alternated going to each other's places every month or two for the couple of years. We got tired of all the driving and flying so we bought a house on their street. We took possession last weekend and will move by the end of the month.

It takes some effort, but relationships and friendships worth keeping require a little bit of work sometimes.

tandy miller

8:36a, 5/3/24

I have 2 friends I see 5+ times a week. We eat dinner together 3+ nights a week. and 2 I see at least once a month. I live with my best friend (Chester)

maroon barchetta

8:41a, 5/3/24

I've got two really close friends. One I've known since 9th grade, the other since my freshman year at A&M (the two of them knew each other prior to A&M).

We don't live near each other but do live within a couple of hours by car.

If we see each other now it's either at a tailgate/football game, at a wedding, funeral, or a concert.

They go hunting for quail or other stuff from time to time. I don't hunt and I don't travel as well as I used to sometimes. I'm glad they get to do that.

One of them still has a kid in high school. The other two of us have kids in college or out of college.

One owns his own business. That keeps him busy. It's a small business but successful and he is great at what he does, but that takes care and dedication.

The other has lived around the country a bit in his career but is back closer for the last several years.

We visit when we can. We group text. Mostly about Aggie sports but sometimes about music. It's great that they are my buds. But life gets in the way. I'm not in a position to bail out and take a guy trip somewhere.

There is another set of friends that are not as close as the first two. Used to be me and four other guys. We all reconnected when a common friend died, although one of the guys I had stayed in touch with over the years.

One of the other four bailed on our regular group texts or Zoom meetups after politics and social issues got discussed. It might have been my fault for bringing a fact to the discussion. A segment of the population doesn't deal well with facts and truth. He bailed out and hasn't been back.

He does have a LOT of serious issues, health and otherwise. I still see him on FB.

One of the other three that remained has pissed of the other two. He hasn't tried to make an effort to see them.

And now the one I'm closest with in that group has his elderly parents living with him in poor health, and his daughter and SIL and granddaughter moved in with them as well after some sort of issue in their lives.

Life gets in the way. It sucks. Short of being fabulously wealthy and not having to work, I don't have an easy solution.

maroon barchetta

8:42a, 5/3/24

In reply to Ragnar Danneskjoldd

Ragnar Danneskjoldd said:
Im going to thailand with some friends from high school. Well, a high school.

maroon barchetta

8:42a, 5/3/24

In reply to nai06

nai06 said:
I have friends I see pretty regularly

-one friend out of state but we have started playing video games online on a regular basis

-wife and I have a super club with 3 other couples. We pick a nice restaurant and go to dinner once a month

-i have two friends that I recently started doing baseball trips with. We want to try and hit up all the MLB parks.

-I have a long running DnD game with about 6 people that meets every two to three weeks

-our best friends are couple that live pretty far away. We go on vacations together, spend holidays together, etc. Long term goal is to retire to Scotland with them. We have alternated going to each other's places every month or two for the couple of years. We got tired of all the driving and flying so we bought a house on their street. We took possession last weekend and will move by the end of the month.

It takes some effort, but relationships and friendships worth keeping require a little bit of work sometimes.

Does your super club require costumes with capes?

JMac03

9:01a, 5/3/24

No. I don't really have many friends. Some that I would have considered pretty darn close - well when things happen in your life - you see who does and doesn't show up for you. It can be gut wrenching but it ultimately it lets you know where to focus your energy on.

nai06

9:05a, 5/3/24

In reply to maroon barchetta

No that's just for DnD. And even then it's optional, if you want to add a little bit of flair for your character.

Anchorhold

9:10a, 5/3/24

We talk constantly, but I've never actually seen them. Well, they mostly tell me what to do and don't care what I think. Doc says they're not real friends.

TMfrisco

10:07a, 5/3/24

Interesting topic. I am a man in my 50s.
I have 2 really close friends, but they live 3 hrs away so I don't see them as much as I would like.
I have a few friends in my profession that I see outside of work on occasion, but rarely socially.
I have a group of male friends I made through our daughter's sports teams that I still see on occasion - meet for a beer, dinner when our wives are also connected.
I have "friends" I play softball with and that might involve a beer afterwards, but little else and I've played in a Cornhole league for about 3 years now. One of my partners I see socially a few times a year, the other I don't at all. A lot of the others in the league are "friends" but not close enough to hangout with past our league night.
My wife an I have maybe 2 couples that are friends since college, but don't live near us. We cherish the times we get to see them and even if it has been a while, it seems just like yesterday.
We also have some "neighborhood friends" that we occasionally get together socially with.

I have always been selfish with my time and have rarely taken the time to nurture a new friendship if I have already made the decision in my mind that I don't want to hangout with them.

The older I get, the more my wife is the one I want to spend all my time with - it helps she shares most of my interests and is about a 12 handicap.

Hey Doc, my psoas is sore

11:22a, 5/3/24

DD88

11:31a, 5/3/24